a mediocre dreamer

this is kwan's method of persuading me to watch a scary movie.

kwanshu: you won't cry
me: i will
me: and i will have nightmares
kwanshu: come on
kwanshu: be the manly girl you are
me: you jerk!
me: that's so mean!

>=(

a cold sore and an ugly hair cut... enough to make a girl feel dang ugly. but that's why God gives us hats and bobby pins.






as much as i deny it, i think it'd be nice to fall in love someday.

wish i was back in paris.

i feel myself becoming more and more reclusive each day, and yet i'm constantly surrounded by people. it's completely understand that people believe that "what you see is what you get" with me because i've nailed that facade better than anyone. i feel like i'm screaming at the top of my lungs but to no use.

how could i have so much pride yet have such low self-esteem. why have i resorted to cowardly shying away from opening up to my friends. why do i refuse to be vulnerable or weak when i'm drowning inside. where do you draw the line between being too intrusive and showing you care by asking questions. what does it mean to really know a friend.

i'm just tired. Lord, let me find my peace in you.

been feeling sad for the past few weeks. no particular reason why... just a culmination and snow-ball effect of many things.

stepped out for some air and got as far as parker and telegraph (starting point - parker and dana). bought myself gifts to make me feel better. little tip: when in doubt, go for the bigger size; that way you will be pleasantly surprised when you get to say "oh! it's too big, must get a smaller size." and it will make you happy.

the end.

summer studying and boredom has created a surge of emotional delirium. my hormones are running rampant. yipes, get me out of here.

can't wait to go home friday. in need of some perspective and a change of scenery. my family embodies the meaning of tough love. perhaps that explains a few things.

i've decided i want a guy to dedicate this song to me should he ever have to leave: "leaving on a jet plane" -chantal kreviazuk (or john denver). if it gets really hopeless, maybe i'll pay a guy on telegraph to do it.

sigh of relief, finally finished my portion of a group study guide. midterm friday. i forget that it's summer. the weather must forget too.

my stomach is rumbling and i'm starved. i don't feel like eating anything.

no preference for anything: shoes, wallet, pens. difficult to go shopping in this state.

music puts me in such a surreal state of thoughts and feelings that i forget where i am for a brief moment and stare at my monitor in a state of confusion. remember in "she's all that" when the dad is fervently watching jeopardy on tv until he suddenly realizes the entire jv soccer team has been cleaning his house for the past half hour? it's kind of like that.

body conditioning humiliated my weak arms. i am not as strong as i thought... in many ways.

it's been a high-anxiety stressful past two days. i'm grumpy and everything seems to be going wrong. mp3's have been going non-stop; it seems to be only effective medication. thank God for music.

tidbits from the playlist:
michael card - things we leave behind
derek webb - marvelous light
breakaway ministries - you are my god
mark shultz & ginny owens - remember me
4him - it is well

it's really sad that ppl get so surprised when i do something nice. how poorly must i be reflecting God's love? Or what's worse, how much am i allowing my exasperating insecurities hide me from it?

i wish clay and ruben could have competed forever. they are fun to watch.

s URF cloud 9: i like clay aiken
Kpxgrlx012: whats that
s URF cloud 9: AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAH
s URF cloud 9: @%$@#%$@$%?@??@
Kpxgrlx012: ??
s URF cloud 9: you see jahndee, there is this show called american idol
s URF cloud 9: ....
Kpxgrlx012: OHHHHH
Kpxgrlx012: that boy right?
s URF cloud 9: applause
Kpxgrlx012: *bow*
Kpxgrlx012: ahahaha
Kpxgrlx012: the pubie haired boy rihgt?
s URF cloud 9: what?!!
Kpxgrlx012: isnt his hair all pubie?
s URF cloud 9: no! it's called spikes
Kpxgrlx012: oh
Kpxgrlx012: hmm
Kpxgrlx012: who am i thinking of then
Kpxgrlx012: he has spikey hair?
s URF cloud 9: blonde, skinny
Kpxgrlx012: hes blond???
Kpxgrlx012: i thought he was dark haired
Kpxgrlx012: dark pubie frizzy nastay hair
Kpxgrlx012: hahaha
s URF cloud 9: dude, where the freak hav eyou been

i hate boys. they need to think before they talk.

s URF cloud 9: wucha doin
kwanshu: tired
kwanshu: sweating like a monkey's butt
s URF cloud 9: eww!
s URF cloud 9: that's so stankin nasty
kwanshu: haha
kwanshu: maybe not that badly
kwanshu: but i'm hot
s URF cloud 9: i'm sure the guys would agree ;-)
kwanshu: har har
s URF cloud 9: just the guys
kwanshu: actually.. just eugene
kwanshu: and andy and roy maybe

good 'ol christian edifying at its highest among boys.

finally have the apt all to myself for a few weeks. time for some refreshingly quiet soul-searching.