a mediocre dreamer

i wasn't sure that i could adequately recap my experience at senior retreat so i wasn't going to, but knowing my faulty memory i will so i can remember for as long as blog exists.

highlights
*arriving at the beautiful maze of a house and being incredibly happy to see ppl
*the amazing starlit sky
*hold 'em all night - peug & andy's orange peel dessert
*pistachio nut punishments for kwan & esther after playing spoons
*sharing a room with ileen, kristy, and jane kim
*morning devotional with some golfers & a view
*getting rebuked by billy when i walked into the boys' room to wake them up - "what if we were naked?!"
*duncan's landing - splashing waves & andy's inappropriate looking mermaid impersonation
*a transparent rev ryan - a humbling realization of my calling
*eug + cards in a ziploc bag
*jacuzzi under some light rain & sparkly stars, sweating it out in the sauna with janet & dan
*picking out moldy bagels while chatting with the girls
*eating and tanning in the freezing cold w/ sharon, linda, & grace while everyone else was active.
*picking some shells and getting one back
*fighting the heat with sharon & linda in the sauna
*a really good talk with elise (i love you elise!) - wanting yet refusing to give up hope
*a rowdy game of uno with billy the cheater & john the spaz
*a traumatic accidental tap on an ordained booty, yikes!
*peug's simple yet moving msg... (is it really in me, Lord?)
*eug: "first pres is non-denominational, right?"
small group: "um... first presbyterian??"
*laughing and cracking jokes with people to whom i've never really spoken before
*bonfire
*watching and laughing at the golfers with the girls
*"do your job & do it well" - be the most compassionate, sacrificial, loving, & faithful person wherever God puts you
*last round of college retreat pictures ever

my favorite
small group time was the most pleasant surprise. with the exception of a few pairs, none of us had every really carried on a conversation for longer than 5 minutes in all of our college lives, and yet it was so incredibly easy to share. all we did was talk till the closet got stuffy... but it meant so much more. roach is hilarious, ileen will make a speech for us one day in sah-too-ri, jane will be our accountant, jenny can be found in kcpc cm for many years to come, eug will retire by 35. thanks for the awesome time guys. i'll never forget it.

welcome home
survived a day of snowboarding and a long ride home free of injury only to sprain my foot the moment i stepped out of the car at home. thanks driveway for the warm welcome.

one of the best sundays at home
had a great day. pacific crossroads. mejeld, slum, gower, sylvia, chris, roy. the gimp crew. sermon with no notes: microphone measuring sticks, i'm FINE, girls chat and boys hide, really understanding what it means for us to be new creations. free sushi compliments of the working ppl. egg factory jokes. ice cream and a trolley ride at the grove. 99 cent store in ghetto funk downey. dinner with the fam.

all together a lovely day =)

lesson learned
the next time you ask someone how they're doing, reconsider what they mean by "i'm fine":
Fouled up
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotionally unstable

Well, sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace


-Rich Mullins

i will never forget this past week. not because it's been fun, but because God has stretched my capacity to love and to hurt, to forgive and to understand to lengths i never wanted to reach. i don't know what i'm doing and i don't know how God could find me capable of handling my life at this point. my heart is too heavy. i want to disappear. i need a break from my own mind. i wish i could be anyone but me right now.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." -Matt. 12:28-30

the weather has been absolutely gorgeous these past two days.

friday
the weather was great and i was relatively productive. food channel and dawson's creek in the morning. trudging up to clark kerr and squeezing out a short run. enjoying the tiny shaded corner of the track with some new tunes. steak burrito ultimo at baja fresh. rainbow popsicles. some afternoon reading. ficb open house complete with something borrowed, something blue and some green algae punch. a toasty churro from rubio's. and the worst part: a 3+ hour long game of poker where i made a big come back and billy and roy got a taste of some flour.

saturday
watching baby toddle around and blow kisses (jane, you're a genius for teaching her). chinese take-out. missions training. the perfect weather for a prayer walk. opening my eyes to the world around me. absorbing the last bit of sunlight and browsing the shops. admitting my insecurities. santa fe chicken sandwich. foggy windows.

just add productive studying to the list and i'm all set.

sharing secrets is so much fun. thank you p.eug & the officers for a lovely time. the food was good, the company better, our God who makes it all possible...outstanding.


College Highlight #2 coming soon.

geez, how did i become so selfish?

God, teach me to be overjoyed in solitude.