Tuesday, June 18, 2002
like i mentioned in my previous entry, it's the week before my period, so bear with me if i get to pensive, self-absorbed, and sappy. there are a few things i just felt compelled to say, so here goes:
i just want to apologize for the entirety of my existence. i know that sounds retarded, but read on and i'll do my best to explain in as few words as possible. i've known this for a long time, but i'm worse at ignoring when i get into these depressed moods. anyhow, wut i mean is, i'm really sorry if i come off as a cold and harsh person. i don't know how it developed and i don't know how i'll fix it, but for as long as i can remember i've always maintained this very 'rough and tough' sort of exterior personality which, ironically, completely contrasts what is buried inside. from what i've heard or even seen the times i step outside of myself, i know i give off this hard and 'strong' persona, but i don't really know if i'm like that at all. i've done it for so long i can hardly tell what is genuine and what isn't. there are times when, i admit, i feel protected under all that coarseness because i'm able to brush off things as if i don't care... but you know, maybe it doesn't work all that well cuz i do still think about things that i appear to ignore. i think about them so much that i warp them into things that beat on my self-esteem even more.
and yet, i feel kind of cheesy, for lack of a better word, if i were to express the kindness i have inside (or at least i hope i have inside). not that kindness is bad, NOT AT ALL.. but it's just that i feel like it wouldn't be me. Maybe i've just allowed myself to live by my 'label' for so long, that i feel like it would be fake of me to say wut i really think or act the way i really want to. (and more than thinking other ppl will see me as fake, i feel like i would even feel fake if were to display what's really inside me). honestly, i really don't know which one is the real me. i know i can't entirely be the cold person i am on the outside, because if i were, then i wouldn't hate myself so much for being inconsiderate or rude or selfish. and the truth is, i do... i really do. I'm not even declaring that i'm all holy or anything, because yes, there are times when sometimes i'm just mean because i am sinning... but then again, i hate being mean! i wish so badly at times that i were anyone else besides me... that i were one of those people that everyone thinks of as 'nice' and 'sweet'. but the harsh reality is that i'm so blatantly not. i don't think i've ever been characterized that way in my entire life.. and that makes me really sad. not sad because i care what ppl think in that superficial sort of way... but sad because i genuinely wish to be more kind to people. i don't want to be nice on the outside just so ppl would think of me that way... i just want to display the genuine love and kindness that God calls all of us to have. THAT'S what makes me sad... that i'm not fulfilling His will the way i should.
i've always thought of myself as a giant question mark or a living, breathing oxymoron... and it has carried over till now, college, and i'm so angry at myself for that. i guess i was fooling myself back in high school thinking i'd be able to change the way i treat people, cuz obviously it hasn't worked. as i keep living this facade each day, it only becomes more and more real to me that i am incapable of doing anything myself. i've tried endlessly to change on my own, only to be disappointed again and again. How pretentious for me to think that i actually could do it alone when i can't even explain or understand myself fully. I'm almost 20 and i still don't know who i am.... there are times when my heart is so callous it worries me, and then there are times when i'm so emotional i can't understand myself.. and i haven't even touched on the subject of my being too much of a dreamer. only God knows my joys and my pains and what really is behind all the walls i put up around myself. i can't even put it into words in prayer... i just sit there too confused to say a thing.... He just reads my heart and reassures me that He knows. when it gets through my thick head that that's all that matters, i'm at peace, and that's what i want to filter out to others. I guess this entry was more to just clarify my thoughts than for ppl to read and be entertained. I only hope that whoever reads this will keep me accountable and remind me what it means to love and live the way He does.
i just want to apologize for the entirety of my existence. i know that sounds retarded, but read on and i'll do my best to explain in as few words as possible. i've known this for a long time, but i'm worse at ignoring when i get into these depressed moods. anyhow, wut i mean is, i'm really sorry if i come off as a cold and harsh person. i don't know how it developed and i don't know how i'll fix it, but for as long as i can remember i've always maintained this very 'rough and tough' sort of exterior personality which, ironically, completely contrasts what is buried inside. from what i've heard or even seen the times i step outside of myself, i know i give off this hard and 'strong' persona, but i don't really know if i'm like that at all. i've done it for so long i can hardly tell what is genuine and what isn't. there are times when, i admit, i feel protected under all that coarseness because i'm able to brush off things as if i don't care... but you know, maybe it doesn't work all that well cuz i do still think about things that i appear to ignore. i think about them so much that i warp them into things that beat on my self-esteem even more.
and yet, i feel kind of cheesy, for lack of a better word, if i were to express the kindness i have inside (or at least i hope i have inside). not that kindness is bad, NOT AT ALL.. but it's just that i feel like it wouldn't be me. Maybe i've just allowed myself to live by my 'label' for so long, that i feel like it would be fake of me to say wut i really think or act the way i really want to. (and more than thinking other ppl will see me as fake, i feel like i would even feel fake if were to display what's really inside me). honestly, i really don't know which one is the real me. i know i can't entirely be the cold person i am on the outside, because if i were, then i wouldn't hate myself so much for being inconsiderate or rude or selfish. and the truth is, i do... i really do. I'm not even declaring that i'm all holy or anything, because yes, there are times when sometimes i'm just mean because i am sinning... but then again, i hate being mean! i wish so badly at times that i were anyone else besides me... that i were one of those people that everyone thinks of as 'nice' and 'sweet'. but the harsh reality is that i'm so blatantly not. i don't think i've ever been characterized that way in my entire life.. and that makes me really sad. not sad because i care what ppl think in that superficial sort of way... but sad because i genuinely wish to be more kind to people. i don't want to be nice on the outside just so ppl would think of me that way... i just want to display the genuine love and kindness that God calls all of us to have. THAT'S what makes me sad... that i'm not fulfilling His will the way i should.
i've always thought of myself as a giant question mark or a living, breathing oxymoron... and it has carried over till now, college, and i'm so angry at myself for that. i guess i was fooling myself back in high school thinking i'd be able to change the way i treat people, cuz obviously it hasn't worked. as i keep living this facade each day, it only becomes more and more real to me that i am incapable of doing anything myself. i've tried endlessly to change on my own, only to be disappointed again and again. How pretentious for me to think that i actually could do it alone when i can't even explain or understand myself fully. I'm almost 20 and i still don't know who i am.... there are times when my heart is so callous it worries me, and then there are times when i'm so emotional i can't understand myself.. and i haven't even touched on the subject of my being too much of a dreamer. only God knows my joys and my pains and what really is behind all the walls i put up around myself. i can't even put it into words in prayer... i just sit there too confused to say a thing.... He just reads my heart and reassures me that He knows. when it gets through my thick head that that's all that matters, i'm at peace, and that's what i want to filter out to others. I guess this entry was more to just clarify my thoughts than for ppl to read and be entertained. I only hope that whoever reads this will keep me accountable and remind me what it means to love and live the way He does.
