Tuesday, June 04, 2002
it's only been a week since i last blogged, but it feels like forever. do ppl really check this daily?
i was just reading some other ppl's blogs and i found it so intriguing... the way they express things and describe different experiences in their lives just makes me see how unique they really are. and then i wonder why it is that i'm so surprised by it... i feel like there's still so much to learn about ppl and that maybe i don't really know them at all. i've been thinking a lot lately about my relationships with ppl - past and present - and my conversation with lila just made me wonder even more where they'll end up once college is over. Dan Kim said something in the senior banquet cd that i can't seem to shake; he said come your last semester senior year you're gonna look back and see ppl who you wish you could have known better. "he/she seemed like a cool person, i wish i had spoken to him/her".. or other such thoughts. i can't help but believe that i'll be thinking those exact thoughts when my time comes. the sad part is, i know it now and yet i do nothing to change it. you would think i'd try harder but i find it more and more discouraging and difficult to approach ppl.. even those in my own class. it breaks me inside to see how relationships slip away so easily and maybe it's God's way of telling me to do something.. and yet i want to give up. how much can my wishing change anything? I can't seem to be able to put a boundary on letting go and accepting things the way they are versus making an effort no matter what. to tell you the truth, i guess i haven't made much effort at all... maybe it's my insecurity or just laziness, but my heart hasn't been enough to push me into action. and yet, sometimes i feel like i'm a stupid dog or something pining away for a friendship that maybe the other person just doesn't want. somehow that reality is somethign that i don't think i can bear to accept. sometimes i just want it to be on account of my own laziness, just so i don't have to accept the reality that maybe some friendships aren't meant to be.
i've completed my sophomore year and it shocks me to feel that i've actually backtracked from freshman year. i miss some relationships i had back then, but i'm still so unbelieveably grateful for the ones that have grown so much more in depth this year. Still, i wonder if frienships change so rapidly from year to year, or even semester to semester... is it stupid for me to invest so much in what i have now? seeing as how my freshman year friendships faded and slipped through my fingers, how can i suppress any fear that the same outcome is waiting for the friendships i've made this year? this is the fear i'm leaving with when i go to france. i'm terrified of what i'll come home to next spring. and while i know my experience in europe cannot be matched, i can't help but worry that distance will put too great a stress on my relationships with ppl now. Maybe it's my lack of faith. I have not doubt in my mind that God will provide for me and i hate that i seek love in all the wrong places. it's just difficult to let things go sometimes i suppose. my faith is so wavering and yet my hope in Him is all that pushes me to live....
God has opened all the doors for me to go to France, so i go with full confidence that it is His will for me to spend my fall semester there. i'll miss my family more than words can explain. and i think i'm leaving with mixed feelings about berkeley and everything that comes with it. i know there are times when i just want to get away... and maybe even times when i believed my absence would go unnoticed. still, i'll miss parts of my berkeley life so much as well. my heart is so spread out that i feel just as strongly about one view as i do about its complete opposite. it'll be good for me to go... hopefully i'll come back refreshed and ready to give selflessly. i think i've gone too long wanting everything to go my way that i've lost the true meaning of a friendship. "what can i do for the other person?"... this is what i pray my heart will return to.
Lord I know I don't deserve the grace You give,
So I will give my heart to You that I might live.
i was just reading some other ppl's blogs and i found it so intriguing... the way they express things and describe different experiences in their lives just makes me see how unique they really are. and then i wonder why it is that i'm so surprised by it... i feel like there's still so much to learn about ppl and that maybe i don't really know them at all. i've been thinking a lot lately about my relationships with ppl - past and present - and my conversation with lila just made me wonder even more where they'll end up once college is over. Dan Kim said something in the senior banquet cd that i can't seem to shake; he said come your last semester senior year you're gonna look back and see ppl who you wish you could have known better. "he/she seemed like a cool person, i wish i had spoken to him/her".. or other such thoughts. i can't help but believe that i'll be thinking those exact thoughts when my time comes. the sad part is, i know it now and yet i do nothing to change it. you would think i'd try harder but i find it more and more discouraging and difficult to approach ppl.. even those in my own class. it breaks me inside to see how relationships slip away so easily and maybe it's God's way of telling me to do something.. and yet i want to give up. how much can my wishing change anything? I can't seem to be able to put a boundary on letting go and accepting things the way they are versus making an effort no matter what. to tell you the truth, i guess i haven't made much effort at all... maybe it's my insecurity or just laziness, but my heart hasn't been enough to push me into action. and yet, sometimes i feel like i'm a stupid dog or something pining away for a friendship that maybe the other person just doesn't want. somehow that reality is somethign that i don't think i can bear to accept. sometimes i just want it to be on account of my own laziness, just so i don't have to accept the reality that maybe some friendships aren't meant to be.
i've completed my sophomore year and it shocks me to feel that i've actually backtracked from freshman year. i miss some relationships i had back then, but i'm still so unbelieveably grateful for the ones that have grown so much more in depth this year. Still, i wonder if frienships change so rapidly from year to year, or even semester to semester... is it stupid for me to invest so much in what i have now? seeing as how my freshman year friendships faded and slipped through my fingers, how can i suppress any fear that the same outcome is waiting for the friendships i've made this year? this is the fear i'm leaving with when i go to france. i'm terrified of what i'll come home to next spring. and while i know my experience in europe cannot be matched, i can't help but worry that distance will put too great a stress on my relationships with ppl now. Maybe it's my lack of faith. I have not doubt in my mind that God will provide for me and i hate that i seek love in all the wrong places. it's just difficult to let things go sometimes i suppose. my faith is so wavering and yet my hope in Him is all that pushes me to live....
God has opened all the doors for me to go to France, so i go with full confidence that it is His will for me to spend my fall semester there. i'll miss my family more than words can explain. and i think i'm leaving with mixed feelings about berkeley and everything that comes with it. i know there are times when i just want to get away... and maybe even times when i believed my absence would go unnoticed. still, i'll miss parts of my berkeley life so much as well. my heart is so spread out that i feel just as strongly about one view as i do about its complete opposite. it'll be good for me to go... hopefully i'll come back refreshed and ready to give selflessly. i think i've gone too long wanting everything to go my way that i've lost the true meaning of a friendship. "what can i do for the other person?"... this is what i pray my heart will return to.
Lord I know I don't deserve the grace You give,
So I will give my heart to You that I might live.
